Monday May 4th 9.30 p.m.
Twenty-four hours have passed, and I’m doing well so far. I’ve hardly thought about it at all, and I’m feeling very good about myself. I think this time I will be able to resist, I’m sure. I’m strong, and I’m in control of my life. Life is good!
Wednesday May 6th 3.15 a.m.
I can’t sleep. It’s starting to overwhelm me again. I want to do it again. I know I mustn’t, I know how wrong it is. But the desire is starting to build, and I don’t think there is anything I can do about it. I know I should probably get help, but I’m so ashamed and afraid. I just need to be strong. I need to focus on the consequences. I need to think about all the good things in my life. Life is good. Isn’t it?
Wednesday May 6th 4.20 p.m.
I’m tired. I didn’t sleep much last night, and I spent most of the day today keeping myself busy, to take my mind off the craving that is building. I cleaned the house from top to bottom in the morning, and went for a run in the park this afternoon. I think it’s helping. I hope I will sleep better tonight. It’s been 3 days now, and if I can just go a week without giving in, I think I can overcome this sickness.
Thursday May 7th 1.05 a.m.
What is wrong with me? Why do I have these desires? Sure I get a few seconds of pleasure from the act, but it always leaves me feeling empty afterwards. Why can’t I resist? Other people don’t walk around doing what I do, normal people. So why do I? The desire is getting more intense. All I can think about now is the incredible pleasure it gives me, no matter how brief. It’s the sensation I crave, not the act. It’s all I want, and I must have it. If I don’t have it soon I think I will explode. Oh God. I want it so badly, and yet I want so desperately to resist this time. Maybe I can. It’s wrong, it’s so wrong. I MUST resist.
Friday May 8th 10.30 p.m.
You know, maybe it’s not so wrong. Maybe just this once more will be ok. I just need to get it out of my system. I know I won’t be able to rest until I have satisfied this desire now, so maybe I should just do it, and get it over with. That sweet, warm, incredible feeling - I have to have it one more time. Nothing else can make me feel that way. Is it so wrong to desire something that makes me feel so good? I mean, I know it’s wrong to kill people, but it’s not as if the people I kill are anyone special. They’re probably happy to be out of their miserable lives anyway. Just once more. No one will know. Then I’ll stop.
Friday May 8th 11.50 p.m.
It’s happened again, and I feel terrible. I knew I would, even before I slit his throat. Even as that wonderful, powerful feeling consumed me, I knew I would regret it later. But I’m so weak. Well, this time I’m determined. No more. That was the last time. I am determined...